[Great quotes from films, which includes tv, comedy specials and film personalities, as I didn't want to limit myself. Our aim is to entertain first.. ]
Movie Quotes 
I have nothing, I am a river to my people - Anthony Quinn, Lawrence of Arabia
War is for young men of courage and valor, keeping the peace is for old men with nothing else to do. - Alec Guiness, Lawrence of Arabia
He likes your lemonade. - Peter O'Toole, Lawrence of Arabia Thank Allah that when he made you a fool he gave you a fool's face - Anthony Quinn, Lawrence of Arabia
Lend all men thine ear, but lend few your tongue - Hamlet
Neither a borrower nor a lender be. - Hamlet
Doubt that the stars are fire; doubt that the moon's above; doubt that the truth's a liar; but never doubt my love - Hamlet
[all from the Kenneth Branagh version, the first film of the entire play]
Cheese it, the copse - Macbeth (a copse is a small patch of woods, not the police)
A man's capacity is often relative to his goals - John Wayne, The Sea Chase
.. You shouldn't be alone.
.. Perhaps, but I can do without you - John Wayne, The Sea Chase
Well, the mug that was rubbed out, miss, was a snoop for the chiefs runnin with the Hardy mob, flippin us the lowdown. Hardy gets hep to it and he puts the rat on the spot, they nab the boss's telly and plant it. Your old man jobbed the mob and the Hardy mob grabs the typewriters and the ukeleles. - A Free Soul (1931)
Why not? I'm free, white, and 21. I love to dance AND I'm going to dance - Joan Blondell, Dames (1934)
- Isn't there going to be any comedy in the show?
- Oh, plenty! The gay side, the hard-boiled side, the cynical and funny side of the depression! I'll make 'em laugh at you starving to death, honey. It'll be the funniest thing you ever did. - Golddiggers of 1933
I coulda been somebody, I coulda been a contenda; instead I got a one way ticket to Palookaville - Marlon Brando, On the Waterfront
.. What are you rebeling against?
.. What have you got? - Marlon Brando, The Wild One
I AM big, it's the pictures that got small - Gloria Swanson, Sunset Boulevard
.. I hear they're gonna replace us secretaries with machines (Jean Harlow)
.. (looking Harlow up and down) You don't have a thing to worry about - Marie Dressler, Dinner at Eight
Aw, you can’t fool me, there ain’t no sanity clause – Chico Marx, A Night at the Opera
I could dance with you til the cows come home – on second thought, I’ll dance with the cows til YOU come home – Groucho Marx, Duck Soup
Chance is the fool’s name for fate – The Gay Divorcee
Fate is foolish – take a chance! – The Gay Divorcee
If-a you like-a spaghetti, stick-a with Tonetti – The Gay Divorcee
We need a doctor! I don’t know nothing bout birthin no babies! – Butterfly McQueen, Gone With the Wind
We're gonna raise this boy to be a decent, God-fearing Christian if we have to break every bone in his body. - Auntie Mame
Are you talking to me? Well, I don't see anybody else here - Robert DeNiro, Taxi Driver (talking to himself in the mirror)
Hey Billy Boy! Come and get one in the yarbles, that is, if you have any yarbles, ya eunuch jelly thou!. - Malcolm MacDowell, A Clockwork Orange [phoro rt]
'ello, 'ello, 'ello, little sisters! Wot you got at home to play yer fuzzy warbles on? - Malcolm MacDowell, A Clockwork Orange
.. My son, why do you think you're God?
.. Because when I pray, I find that I'm talking to myself - Peter O'Toole, The Ruling Class
.. Why, you must be God! - (Andie MacDowell)
.. A god, yes, but not THE God. - Bill Murray, Groundhog Day
That is ONE wacky hospital! - Bill Murray, Tootsie (after Michael unmasks himself on live tv)
You're not one of them outside agitators, are you? - Norman Fell, The Graduate
I'm walkin' here! I'm walkin' here! - Dustin Hoffman, Midnight Cowboy (this was actually improvised, as the taxi drove through during shooting; Ratso Rizzo remains Dustin Hoffman's favorite role of his)
There's always some poor soul out there that hasn't learned that one man can't make a difference; you have to kill him to convince him otherwise. That's the trouble with democracy. - Shooter
.. It must have been great to meet the queen - what did she ask you?
.. Who we were, and then to get out" - Eric Idle, The Rutles: All You Need Is Cash (1978)
Eeeuwwww – get offa me - As If! - Alicia Silverstone, Clueless
I had to give my gf snaps for fashion bravery - Alicia Silverstone, Clueless
My gf and I were both named after once-famous singers who now do infomercials - Alicia Silverstone, Clueless (as Cher, who's friend is Dionne)
Hey kid, just cuz Sammy Davis Jr. died doesn't mean there's an opening in the rat pack. - Dan Hedaya, Clueless Just remember this when you're out with my daughter, I got a .44 and a shovel and I doubt anyone would miss you. - Dan Hedaya, Clueless
I was born when she kissed me. I died when she left me. I lived a few weeks while she loved me. - In a Lonely Place (1950)
You can't handle the truth - Jack Nicholson, A Few Good Men
The doctor said her insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase – Nicholas Cage, Raising Arizona
Boy, did you know you got a panty on yer head? - Raising Arizona
You want I should freeze, or you want I should drop to the floor, cuz I don’t wanna get shot if I move – Raising Arizona
So many social engagements, so little time – John Goodman, Raising Arizona
Stop yer grinnin and drop yer linen - Bill Paxton, Aliens
Ain't you keeping up with current events, pal? We're gettin our asses kicked! - Bill Paxton, Aliens
Game over, man - game over! - Bill Paxton, Aliens
We’re in some purty shit now! - Bill Paxton, Aliens
- This little girl survived. (Sigourney Weaver)
- Then, why don't you put her in charge? - Bill Paxton, Aliens
.. Hey, Vasquez, anyone ever mistake you for a man? .
. No, how bout you? - Aliens
Relevant to said mission is the following query which I now put forth to you: wherein this most streamlined and trunkless of transports, boner-inspiring though it may be, wherein are we to reposit our most recently deceased cargo?” - Sin City
It's a girl and a midget, 'gidget', get it? - Gidget
Go ahead, make my millenium! - Michael Keaton, Beetlejuice
The ghost with the most! – Michael Keaton, Beetlejuice
Hey, this could be a new look for me – Michael Keaton, Beetlejuice (after getting his head shrunk by a native in the afterlife)
Hey, senor, how much for the leetul girl? How much for the women? - John Belushi, The Blues Brothers
We’re on a mission from God – Dan Akroyd, The Blues Brothers
I've worked in the private sector, they expect results. - Dan Akroyd, Ghostbusters
Man, that's one big twinkie! - Ernie Hudson, Ghostbusters
I put the grrr in swinger, baby! - Mike Myers, Austin Powers
So, we finally got rid of those capitalist pigs, eh comrade? – Mike Myers, Austin Powers (on waking up in the future and first seeing a Russian general)
As long as I can still do massive amounts of drugs and make love to anyone I want to, I’ll be ok – Mike Myers, Austin Powers (on waking up in the future)
Badges? We don’ got to show you no stinkin badges! - Alfonso Bedoyo, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre
Boredom's the first step on the road to relapse - Clerks II
I ain't 'people'! I am a.. 'a shimmering, glowing star in the cinema firmament' - Singin' in the Rain
If we bring a little joy into your humdrum lives, it makes us feel as though our hard work ain't been in vain for nothin'. - Singin' in the Rain (both from Jean Hagen, who deserved an Oscar for perhaps the funniest performance in all of cinema)
I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore! -
Peter Finch, Network,
photo left (Finch was awarded a posthumous Oscar for Best Actor)
I picked a helluva week to give up _____ - Lloyd Bridges, Airplane! (fill in the blank: coffee, cigarettes, marijuana, cocaine, speed, heroin - he used em all)
You can always pay half the poor to kill the other half. - Boss Tweed, Gangs of New York
The first rule of politics: the ballots don't make the election winner, the counters make the winner. - Boss Tweed, Gangs of New York
Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy night – Bette Davis, All About Eve
You can still dish it out, but you just can't take it anymore – Edward G. Robinson, Little Caesar
They're screaming 'sell, sell!- I ain't gonna have enough money to buy the G.I. Joe with the Kung Fu grip!' – Eddie Murphy, Trading Places
Hello – I am Long Duc Dong! – Getty Watanabe, Sixteen Candles
There's an ocean of money out there, I can always make money. - Michael Douglas, The Perfect Murder
Back off, big guy, that may work with the chorus girls... - Bill Murray, Scrooged
..Hit me one more time, I'm gonna rip your wings off! (Bill Murray)
..Ooo, you know I like the rough stuff! - Carol Kane, Scrooged
The view's no good unless you've got someone to share it with. - Robert Mitchum, Out of the Past
I thought that Mr. Clutter was a nice gentleman, right up to when I slit his throat - Robert Blake, In Cold Blood
I've eaten a lot of humble bread in the years I've known you. - When Ladies Meet
Whew! Do NOT go in there! – Jim Carrey, Ace Ventura Pet Detective
It must be some kind of.. hot tub time machine – Hot Tub Time Machine
.. When they opened Disneyland in 1956, nothing worked!
.. But, John, but if the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists – Jeff Goldblum, Jurassic Park
You have the most.. eyes I’ve ever seen – Woody Allen, Play It Again Sam
.. oh look, there was another rape in Berkeley last night (Diane Keaton, reading the paper)
.. I was nowhere NEAR the East Bay! - Woody Allen, Play It Again Sam
.. You have a way with women, how do you get them to understand you (Woody)
.. I never met a dame yet that didn't understand a slap in the face or a slug from a 38 - 'Bogart', Play It Again Sam
..This is worse than that time I had a spot on my back (Woody Allen)
..The spot was on your SHIRT! (Julie Kavner) – Hannah and Her Sisters [photo rt]
Why don't you go back to groups who look like they're gonna stab their mother? – Woody Allen (at a punk rock concert), Hannah and Her Sisters
How do I know why there were Nazis? I don’t know how the can opener works – Woody Allen’s father, Hannah and Her Sisters
'Flick saw some grizzly bears down around Pulaski’s candy store..' – my parents looked at me like I had lobsters crawling out of my ears – Peter Billingsley (Ralphie), A Christmas Story
My brother Randy looked like a tick about to pop – narrator Jean Shepherd, A Christmas Story
Schwartz broke all playground etiquette by going straight to the triple dog dare – narrator Jean Shepherd, A Christmas Story
He had yellow eyes – I swear, yellow eyes! – narrator Jean Shepherd, A Christmas Story (speaking of the bully Scut Farcus)
In my world, you were either a bully, a toadie, or one of the nameless rabble of victims - narrator Jean Shepherd, A Christmas Story
I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like .. victory – Robert Duvall, Apocalypse Now! [photo rt]
Yeah, but Charlie don’t surf! – Robert Duvall, Apocalypse Now!
.. Damn! You stepped on my face!
.. I thought you were dead..
.. Well you thought wrong, dammit! – Apocalypse Now!
.. Fuck You, G.I.! Fuck You!
.. Listen, Roach – there's a gook out on the wire.. you need a flare?
.. No, man – he’s close… real close – Apocalypse Now!
They hate you cuz you represent freedom, and they don’t have any cuz they’ve sold out to the man – Easy Rider
.. He likes to butt things with his head.
.. You must be SO proud – Rick Moranis, Parenthood
Call me Cowboy Gill, as in Gill T – Steve Martin, Parenthood
Come down off that garage or I’ll gouge your eyes out! – the hostage negotiator to his son, Best In Show
Now where’s my arm, I hear they can sew em back on good as new – Wild at Heart (cut to a dog carrying the arm off like a bone)
This whole world’s wild at heart and weird on top – Laura Dern, Wild at Heart
Your advertisin’s just dandy, too bad you don’t have a thing to sell – Faye Dunaway, Bonnie and Clyde
I'll bet you a Mexican dollar or whatever you use for currency that those two women in the next compartment aren't going to have an easy journey on this train - Shanghai Express
It took more than one man to give me the name.. Shanghai Lilly - Shanghai Express
The ayatollah of rocknrollah, the lord of the humungous! – The Road Warrior
You beat the snake.. never saw a man beat the snake before - Gyro Captain, Road Warrior
You do know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow – Lauren Becall, To Have and Have Not
That’s not 'good night', that’s 'I really admire your ass, I'd like to wear it for a hat' – Bruno Kirby, City Slickers
Why does it always have to be snakes? – Harrison Ford, Raiders of the Lost Ark
Otis! My man! – Peter Riegert, Animal House
Do you mind if we dance with your dates? – big dude at the all-black bar, Animal House
Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no! – John Belushi, Animal House
They confiscated everything, even the stuff we didn't steal! - Animal House
..But Delta's already on probation.
..They are? Well as of now they’re on double secret probation! – Dean Wormer, Animal House (his character was partially based on Richard Nixon)
Greg, honey, is it supposed to be this soft? – Babs, Animal House
But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen! – Otter, Animal House
[Animal House was the first film for John Belushi, Karen Allen, Peter Riegert, Tom Hulce, Tim Matheson.. and many others; all the authors also had cameo roles except Harold Ramis, who boycotted b/c he was told he was too old for one of the main parts by direcor Jon Landis; he was 32, Riegert was 29]
.. Oh my god, they shot him!
.. Hoolihan, you idiot, that’s the gun for halftime – Col. Henry Blake, M*A*S*H
.. How did a man of such despicable moral quality attain a position of rank in the army? (Major Hoolihan)
.. He was drafted (Father Mulkahey) - M*A*S*H
Bring me the tall sultry blond with the pouty lips - Eliot Gould, M*A*S*H
.. Just who do you think you are?
.. Lady, we are the pros from Dover; we’re gonna crack this kid’s chest and be on the tee by two o’clock – Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
.. You’re gonna be sorry you met me (Nick Nolte)
.. I’m already sorry I met you – Eddie Murphy, 48 Hours
The Japanese soldier I know can live two weeks on a cup of rice with maggots.. until you’re ready to go through the hell he goes through every day, then show him some respect – The Pacific .
. Soldier, why do you have 'peace' and 'war' on your helmet?
.. I suppose it says something about the dichotomy of war, sir – Matthew Modine, Full Metal Jacket
Shaken, not stirred – James Bond (you pick the film, photo rt.)
Try to bring this one back in one piece, double-0 seven – Goldfinger
.. Have you ever had angry sex? (Kathleen Turner)
.. There’s another kind? – Danny Devito, War of the Roses
We may run out of Pan Am coffee, but we never run out of TWA tea – Kathleen Turner, Crimes of Passion
Where’s that big mouth cooz with the motor driven ass? – Anthony Perkins, Crimes of Passion
.. Do you want some coffee?
.. No. I could use a shot of morphine if you’ve got it – enough to kill the last twelve years – Crimes of Passion
If you think you're gonna get back in my panties, forget it. There's one asshole in there already. – Crimes of Passion
You fuck with me? You fuck with me? You know who I am? – (the naked Asian guy in the trunk, the only funny scene in this boring comedy) The Hangover
I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. - V for Vendetta (2006)
[Two famous quotes I never saw as special: 'Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn' from GWTW is only famous b/c 'damn' wasn't allowed back then and they had to argue w the censors to keep it in; plus 'frankly' wasn't in Mitchell's book and frankly, who uses that in conversation anyway? Another is 'say hello to my leetul frin', from Scarface, which is such a dreary bore that it's not worth remembering, and the scenery-chewing Pacino is a caricature in his worst performance]
Film People
A verbal contract ain't worth the paper it's printed on - Louis B. Mayer
"This is the age of insincerity. The movies had the misfortune to come along in the twentieth century, and because they appeal to the masses there can be no sincerity in them. Hollywood is tied hand and foot to the demands for artificiality of the masses all over the world." - Lionel Barrymore (Best Actor winner, 1931)
If you kiss a breast, it’s an R rating, but if you slice if off, it’s only PG – Quentin Tarentino
Do I think sex is dirty? Is IS if you’re doing it right – Woody Allen
My only regret in life is that I'm not somebody else - Woody Allen
Spielberg probably didn't say 'the best actor in the world', he most likely said 'the actor who thinks he's the best in the world - Pete Postlethwaite (on a Steven Spielberg quote after working with Pete on 'Lost World')
He’s holding a sword, and he has no genitalia – William Hurt (accepting his Oscar for playing a transvestite in Kiss of the Spider Woman)
Homage to Richard Pryor
Black guys always be lying about their size.. two were walking over the Bay Bridge in San Francisco one night, and had to pee.. one says 'damn, this water's cold!' and the other said 'Yeah, and it's deep too!' - Richard Pryor,
Something I Said
Television ..
Help me out, you know the postmaster general don't you? (Tina Fey) ..
Yes, but the postmaster general and I had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. I mean, if I want to lick a hippie, I'll return Joan Baez's phone calls. - Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Cosby led me astray about parenthood; I thought my biggest problems would be that me and Rudy would spend half an hour making a sandwich, and that Ashley went to a concert - Tracy Morgan, 30 Rock
I had the weirdest dream that I was on a pirate ship and the only one who wasn’t gay was Oliver Bloom – Peter Griffin, Family Guy
All the best things end in O-Rama – Homer, The Simpsons
I can’t be a missionary – I don’t even believe in Jeebus – Homer, The Simpsons (later during a typhoon, he says 'Save me Jeebus! only you can save me now!)
It looks like someone is Hoggin the Daas! – Apu (when Homer is buying every flavor of Haagen Daas in the Qwickie Mart)
No – don’t blow up the church – Jesus lives there! – the preacher, The Simpsons
Not me shack – I finally got it just the way I want it – Groundskeeper Willie, The Simpsons (when Bart went nuts on ridlin and stole an army tank and was gonna stop if they just let him blow up one thing)
You could put me in a castle in the Spanish desert with some wine, and pay me just to write jokes for Mr. Burns, and I'd be happy - Conan O'Brian (the first producer of the Simpsons)
.. Hi mom, where’s dad? (Wally)
.. He’s downtown looking for Beaver – Mrs. Cleaver, Leave It to Beaver
.. It’s all in your head, Ralph (Alice)
.. Oh yeah? Well, you can look up there all you want – know what you’ll find? Nothing! – Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners
I had it, I went with it! - Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners (on frivolously spending the money he found in a lost briefcase, after having to return it)
Ummmmm, you're a good one! - Ralph Kramden to Alice, The Honeymooners
.. You girls are too young to be into sex, you have your whole adult lives for that (Sarah Jessica Parker)
.. Talk to the hand, grandma (a 13 yr old at her Bat Mitzvah) - Sex in the City
When I got my Showtime special, my mom said 'A fortune on college, pissed away!' - comedienne Elayne Boosler, Party of One
My mom always says her floor's so clean that you can eat off of it; you can eat off my floor too because there's already plenty of food down there - comedienne Elayne Boosler (also, "when I asked a friend of hers how the dinner with my mom was, she said 'fine, but we had to eat off the floor and drink out of the toilet'")
When skinny women say 'I forgot to eat', I just wanna slap em.. I never knew the kitchen cupboards were for food, I always ate it all out of the bags when I brought it home - comedienne Elayne Boosler
When you guys go out and get mugged, you can say 'I left my wallet at home'; we ladies can't do that, we have the goods on us, I can't leave my vagina at home - comedienne Elayne Boosler
Women! You can’t live with ‘em, you can’t kill ‘em! – comedian Sam Kenison
Who ever said 'six on one hand, half a dozen on the other?' - I just wanna slap em; when I look down I see five on one hand, half a ten on the other - comedian George Wallace
If God had wanted us to use the metric system, he would've given us ten fingers and ten toes - George Wallace Who in the hell said 'screw you and the horse you rode in on?' - the last time this could apply was to Paul Revere - George Wallace
I told a bartender to surprise me, and he pulled out a picture of my wife naked – comedian Rodney Dangerfield
I told the cabbie to take me where I could find some action, and he drove to my house! – Rodney Dangerfield
Even as a kid I didn’t get no respect. On Christmas Eve, my dad would go outside, fire a shotgun, and come back in and say ‘Santa just killed himself’ – Rodney Dangerfield
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway? Why do they call em buildings when they're already done building em? - they should be called builts. Why do they call them apartments when they're all stuck together? - comedian Gallagher (The Accountant)
.. So how do you feel about her (Niles)
.. I’m not sure, I’m exactly 50-50 (Frasier)
.. Then you know that modern psychiatry can’t help you, we only get you to reaffirm the decision you've already made (Niles) – Frasier (tv show)
From ESPN
He done made his kinfolks so proud - Mookie, Tiny, all the others - Stuart Scott, ESPN
Some Len Berman nicknames on ESPN: - Terry 'Swimming' Puhl - Jim 'Two Silouettes On' Deshaes - Bishop Desmond 'Tied At' Tutu
[A
special bullet for all those sportscasters who say 'they're within a point' - you can't be 'within' a point unless you're awarded fractions.. you are a FULL POINT behind.. if you're 'within a field goal', then you're only 2 pts behind, not 3]
[Another
special bullet for anyone using the non-word 'alls' - all is all inclusive, alls is not a word, it's not possessive nor can it be a contraction of "all is" cuz that isn't English.. someone shoot these people.. even
Murphy Brown had a whole episode making fun of Wallace Shawn for writing a book called "Alls I Know".. now Auburn coach Gene Chizik (sp?) is on a tv commercial saying "If I want to go to Tuscaloosa, alls I gotta do.." - is GO BACK TO GRAMMER SCHOOL, GENE! You're supposed to be representing a freakin' college, that means 'higher learning']
